I see in lights and shadows
In front of the computer screen I fill with anguish and anxiety, thinking: what do I have to write? Why do I pressure myself into this?
JULY 16, 2022
How have you been? Have you written anything? They’ve become complicated questions. When emotions intensify and questions burst out wildly after being buried for a long time, it seems words aren’t enough to describe, much less to put in order, what’s happening.
Before we learn to speak and give meaning to words, there is a bodily manifestation, a sound, maybe crying, laughter or a scream arising from countless reasons; at least that’s the chronology I make of it. Today I feel my greatest allies are these first forms of expression, like a newborn’s cry caused by the sudden change in its habitat, and reflex movements that I use as a reading of my emotions.
Movements and shapes born from exploring what I feel. A naked body in search of that natural, initial state; I react to external stimuli that connect me with emotions and make expression appear again. I observe myself, I interact with my body and the space, I connect, I feel I manage to recognize myself.
After writing the paragraphs above, I went back over this session and I understand many things; what I do makes sense to me. I communicate and express myself through my body.
I see in lights and shadows my wandering between understanding everything and everything turning confusing and dark from one second to the next.
There are days when I want an eternal hug, others when I just want to be alone and drift in my thoughts. My body puts up barriers, it tenses up, and sometimes it flows, ready to feel.
If I go back to the initial questions, maybe I’ve looked at writing from a place distant from bodily expression, but they work in similar ways, and I would even say they feed each other, building a feeling. Inhabiting nudity gives me tools to recognize and communicate through writing, as happened this time.