The cold scares me
I want to express what the cold does to me, the feeling it leaves me with, and why I feel it as one with nudity.
When you’re so used to wearing clothes, you’re amazed by the simple fact of seeing real bodies, even your own body. “Everyone knows themselves”… is that really so? Do you know all your moles, all your marks, scars and hairs?
Have you ever looked at yourself in a mirror without hurrying?
I hold on to the stillness of the self-knowledge I practice, and I’m amazed when something is new. You often hear “wow, she really loves herself” when someone is wearing fewer clothes, and I keep that saying in mind to think about.
JUNE 26, 2022
Is it so strange to see ourselves as we are?
Is it grotesque, taboo or unheard of?
Who says so, and when is it instilled in us?
Personally, all those questions brought me problems at some point: self-esteem that barely reached the level of the asphalt, and eating disorders born from the prejudices and ideas society instills.
Now, why does it feel so similar to the cold?
To begin with, I have low blood pressure; I’m cold all year round, and in summer it can be 28 degrees and I’m still wearing a sweater.
We naturally associate cold with fear; we see it in horror movies, in everything colors reflect and convey, in the season tied to nostalgia and sadness, and many more examples like that.
The cold scares me. Maybe it sounds strange, but that’s the feeling it gives me. Maybe you can understand it through the feeling of showering with icy water when the first stream hits your back: that sensation of almost choking, that lack of breath, that blank mind. That exact feeling is what cold always is for me.
At first I was terrified of showing my body; I covered it the way I cover myself from the cold. Getting naked immediately means being cold, being frozen, my hands feeling everything burning and getting “goosebumps”, but well, I like getting naked.
I can’t, unfortunately or not, run away from the cold or from my body, so I accept it. I make a truce with myself, I accept my body as it is and I embrace the cold. The body’s reactions are amazing, and my reactions to the cold are amazing (to me).
I hate the cold, but I live with it, just like with my body, every day.